最近我在观看“美国连环杀手纪录片”后让我感到惊讶的是很多的变态杀人狂似乎都有一些共同的成长背景：基本来自强势的母亲家庭，这让我很好奇，于是上网搜索几篇有关的文章编辑到一起，希望对同学们将来的家庭和择偶有个积极的引导。
1，妈妈越强势 儿子越懦弱 女儿显霸道
强势女人不等于女强人。我们所说的强势，更多指的是性格上而不是事业上。很多女强人工作中是“铁娘子”，回家就变“小娘子”，反倒婚姻很幸福。相反，有些女人事业未必做得很大，但脾气很大，气势很大，特别喜欢在家里说一不二，我们把这种在家里喜欢做“女王”的妻子称之为强势女人。
曾经一本书《女人不狠地位不稳》中专门用一章论述过，女人越强势，丈夫会很有压力、夫妻不和谐、甚至丈夫有外遇的几率高，因为丈夫在你这得不到应有的尊重，他只好到外面的女人那寻找安慰。近些年，我们只要看情感节目大家就能发现，家庭里女人过于强势，不仅老公受到压制，对儿子的成长也非常不利，甚至会出现这样一个情况，女人越强势，培养出的儿子不仅不会像她一样坚强，反倒越懦弱。
一个健康的家庭父亲的角色举足轻重，甚至是起决定作用的。我们常说丈夫、父亲是一个家庭的顶梁柱，不仅仅是指男人负担这个家的经济，而是在家庭起主导作用，否则，父亲缺失或者父亲软弱，大权旁落给母亲，这就跟儿子、女儿的心态造成非常严重的不良后果。
心理咨询发现，一般来讲，当父亲在这个家庭的作用越来越边缘化之后，母亲就会变得日益强悍甚至说一不二。从孩子总会向同性父母一方形成认同这个角度来看，女儿就会向强悍的母亲认同，久而久之，女儿也会变成强悍的女儿，很多家庭中，关系紧张的母女往往就是性格相同的母女，那就是厉害的母亲一定有个厉害的女儿；脾气暴躁的母亲，一定会把脾气暴躁的毛病遗传给自己的女儿，有时候你会发现一些很有趣的现象，当女儿反抗母亲的专制时，女儿也在偷偷地继承母亲的这种专制，并会顺理成章地带到她将来跟她女儿的关系中。
如果在女儿成长过程中，女儿总是看到母亲对父亲存在太多愤怒的情绪，女儿长大后，也会不自觉地把这种情绪转移到自己的亲密关系中，总是莫名其妙的对男友或者老公生气。在心理咨询中，遇到有个女性她就是典型的急性子，总是无缘无故冲老公发火，后来在一次聊天中，问起她的父母关系，原来如出一辙，她母亲跟她脾气一样，也喜欢对她父亲嚷嚷。中国有句老话，叫“有其父必有其子，有其母必有其女”说的就是这种父母认同心理，暴虐的父亲必然有个暴虐的儿子，爱唠叨的母亲必然会培养出爱唠叨的女儿，我们总是这样在不经意之间充当儿女的榜样，塑造着儿女的性格，并影响着儿女的心理成长。
强势母亲指的是用自己的意志控制家庭和孩子的母亲。
强势母亲四大悲情特质：
①自以为是 ②颐指气使 ③指手划脚 ④吹毛求疵
强势母亲四大惯常行为：
①必须要听母亲的，凡事母亲说了算。
②严密监视小孩的一举一动，对其行踪和行为了如指掌。
③小孩的一切活动得向她汇报，必要时行为前还需得到许可。
④对小孩的生活盲目指点，横加干涉，无端操纵其公、私生活。
强势母亲三大心理溯源：
①外强中干，没有安全感，不独立，自我价值需要不断地被外界事物。 证明。
②强烈占有欲，恋女情结，将所有的感情重负压在女儿身上。
③从小到大，以自我为中心控制与操纵成为习惯性行为。
2 约束让孩子失去自信，孩子情绪不稳定，没有主见，事事都过分依赖父母，这是什么原因？过分严厉的管教方式，容易抹去孩子的个性。
妈妈对孩子的管教，不同于对工作，对上司及下属。否则，会为孩子的性格塑造带来不良影响。专家分析说，现在社会有种妈妈，自己在工作中做事强硬干练，事业是很成功，因此，她们苛求孩子做最好，旦孩子没有做好，就可能就遭母亲责骂，这种“强势”情绪严重影响孩子心理健康正常发育。
很母亲把培养子女当成自实现途径，如果能成功地把子女培养成名优秀人才，她们常把自己价值依附于其子女身，子女成功是她们成功，子女失败是她们失败。所以，很妈妈不得不把这种压力转移其子女身，把自己意志无形地强加给孩子， 而孩子则在这种种约束中变得自卑。过分苛求造成年幼孩子失去安全感，心理压力增，这个时候孩子就变得疲沓，任何批评都无法触动他，变得底气皆无，碌碌无为。
在强悍的母亲面前，女儿选择无条件认同，那儿子呢，则会出现另一种情形，那就是无条件逃避。对此，奥地利著名心理学家阿德勒有个精彩的论断，“假如母亲较富于权威性，整天对着家里其他的人唠叨，女孩子们可能模仿她，变得刻薄好挑剔；男孩子则始终站在防御的地位，怕受批评，尽量寻找机会表现他们的恭顺。” 因为，当母亲总是指责、批评丈夫时，其实是在指责、批评一切男性，儿子作为男性必然会跟他的父亲一样躲在无人的角落。
所以当一个性格过于强势的妻子喜欢嘲笑、奚落她懦弱的丈夫之时，她其实也等于把这种嘲笑和奚落同样甩给了她的儿子，所以，强悍的妻子，必有一个懦弱的儿子，她越指责她的丈夫懦弱，她的儿子也就越懦弱。
心理咨询发现，大凡是那种强悍的母亲，培养出的不是强悍的儿子，反倒多数是软弱甚至没出息的孩子，这样的例子历史上也比比皆是。武则天够强悍吧，夺取了李唐江山，自己称了帝，可她几个儿子一个比一个懦弱，一个比一个平庸。
再说慈禧，也够厉害吧，联合恭亲王奕灭了托孤的八大臣，跟慈安皇太后一起垂帘听政。可偏偏生了个不争气的儿子。同治帝也是个没出息的主儿，最后逛窑子逛出了梅毒。同治的性格也很懦弱平庸，他出外嫖娼某种程度上是给母亲逼的，因为慈禧对他管教极严，对他娶什么样的皇后都要横加干涉，致使他正常的夫妻生活无法进行，只好到外面放纵自己。 这就是认同的力量。
3，强势母亲会让儿子没男子气：
现在的母亲，有许多是非常能干的。在统御和支配家庭上，往往也是靠母亲的意志和领导。这样的结果，是使父权无法体现自己的领导地位，如果一家想维持相对和谐，对于母亲的意见和建议，父亲只能是“坚决拥护”，否则就是争吵或冷战。于是乎，弱势的父亲把本来属于自己的家庭领导地位拱手相让。
从母亲的方面看，可能会是：第一，母亲自己就没有安全感，自我价值需要不断地被外界认可，特别是家人的认可；第二，母亲发现丈夫无法成为值得信赖的人，出于不安而迫不得已行使主导权利；第三，母亲认为父亲无能且愚蠢，不会提出任何有建设性的意见，所以什么事情都自己决定；第四，母亲从小到大自我中心感强，喜欢控制与操纵他人行为；第五，母亲有强烈占有欲，将所有的感情重负压在孩子身上。
在这种母系家庭生活的男孩，确实是很不幸的。从心理学上讲，男孩的成长需要一个男性的高大形象。在父亲缺席的情况下，很有可能男孩会认为男性就是像父亲一样，女性就想母亲一样。孩子小时强势的母亲还显现不出问题，等到幼儿期和童年期时，由于父亲的懦弱，且无法阻止母亲对孩子的过度干涉，孩子就会出现各种各样的问题。
问题一，男孩难于男性化。孩子对男性力量认识较少，会出现“父爱缺乏综合征”，缺乏阳刚之气，在体重、身高、动作等方面发育较慢，并存在诸如焦虑、自控能力弱等情感障碍，在性格方面也会变得懦弱、胆小、孤僻、自卑等。当未来进入社会后，会出现各种不适状态，无法按自己性别角色规范行事，喜欢找强势的女人结婚，无法成为值得依赖的丈夫。
问题二，使孩子不敬重权威。父权丧失的家庭，会导致孩子不仅不能从父亲身上学到尊敬权威、明白等级，而且还会认为男性就是和父亲这样的。同时在功能不完善的家庭中，孩子面对强势的母亲，往往会本能的讨好“强者”，尤其是男孩，他们也会跟着母亲，在不知不觉中反抗父亲，不重视父亲的意见。
问题三，使孩子受到过度保护。母亲过于强势，是其安全感不足的表现，会使其成为一个典型的保护者。害怕自己担心的问题会在孩子身上出现，只要是不利于孩子的事情，都想过滤一下，并通过自己的努力去避免发生。于是，母亲包办所有事情，从思想上和行为上都要求孩子跟着她走，最终孩子就会什么都不会，完全依赖母亲，更加印证了母亲的想法。
问题四，给孩子过多的压力。强势母亲往往是能力出众和是完美主义者，会把培养孩子当成自我实现的方法，苛求孩子做到最好。于是在无形中把自己的意志强加给孩子，也把自己的价值依附于孩子身上。不能否认，这些强势母亲付出很多，但恰恰是这些“付出”，使孩子感到压力，容易造成孩子失去安全感和自信心，成年后造成孩子心理上的自卑。
问题五，让孩子难于独立。强势母亲不仅丈夫面前强势，也在孩子面前强势，不容许孩子说“不”。长期处于母亲的强势控制下，自然忽略孩子的特性和感受，孩子在生活中独立做决定的机会不多，一切都由强势母亲教导、指挥、安排，久而久之，孩子就会放弃自己的承担，失去了独立解决问题和面对生活的能力，形成对母亲无条件的服从和依赖。
问题六，孩子学会消极抵抗。强势母亲使孩子失去自我，感觉所做一切都是为了母亲，内心无法产生做事的动力。孩子在强权压力下，知道抗争是无用的，虽然内心在说“不要”，但也只能表示表面上的顺从，这也是孩子感觉只有靠消极抵制才能有自主权。于是，孩子面对自己不能掌控和不愿意做的事情，往往采取消极态度，磨洋工就出现了。
问题七，孩子难于学会社会交往。父母是孩子最早认识的同性和异性，和他们的友好相处，能让孩子习得长大后与同性异性朋友相处的方法，这决定了孩子的人际交往能力。而在强势母亲的管理下，这种社会性的交往变形，使孩子害怕遇到否定和拒绝，习惯于隐藏自己的内心感受。这种防御模式，使其有被社会孤立的倾向，难于融入社会。
问题八，强势母亲会导致“恋母情结”出现。强势母亲由于投入的爱越多，期待的收获也就越大，母子联结也越深，甚至还会把儿子当作“替代配偶”，作为情感依托的唯一对象。最后有可能渴望占有儿子，以至于渴望分享儿子所拥有的一切。这样使孩子难于摆脱母亲影响，获得真正的自我。这在成年后，使男孩难于认同其他的女孩，更加依赖于自己的母亲。
综上所述，母亲过于强势，或与孩子接触多的母亲，必须让孩子在自己的心目中对父亲有良好的认知和正确的印象。实际上，一个聪明的母亲，总是会给父亲机会，让孩子随时感到父亲的存在，而自己尊重丈夫，则是最好的体现父权的方法。
当然，做父亲的不能逃避责任，也要争取多参与家庭事务的决策上来。最后，需要知道的是，强势的控制有时未必是强权控制孩子的思维或情绪，也可能是温柔的强势关怀或甜言蜜语的强势控制。
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《脱离了尊重、理解和关爱的强势母亲对家庭的毁灭性》建议原作者进行标题修改
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难以反驳，让人反思。
不妥当的地方在于他把悲剧的根源直接定义为"强势"，而不是其它具体的特质（这是文章引起争议的原因，尽管正文对"强势"的"特质"、"行为"、"心理"作了分析）。
"强势"是个替死鬼。真正的原因是：母亲不懂得什么是尊重、理解、倾听和沟通（这几个看上去很简单的词，又有多少人真正懂得呢）。生活中，不仅仅是母亲，不懂得这些的所有人都会与悲剧走的更近一些，与性别、年龄无关。
"强势"是一个可褒可贬的词。百度百科给出的释义为：强烈的主见，以自我为中心。是以自己的意愿来强制别人的行动，现在多用于这样的形容。作风比较硬朗果断，敢说敢做。通俗点讲，"强势"是指：一个人对TA生活中的多数事物都有自己的见解，并渴望使相关的人员接受和执行自己的想法，而且，为了实现这一目标，TA会尽可能用尽TA认为可行的方法和途径。
总结起来"强势"不招人待见的原因有两点：
1、TA在不必要"强势"的地方耗费所有人的精力；
2、TA能力范围内，所能想到的实现"强势"的方法和途径不够好，甚至于糟糕。
这一切都不是"强势"本身的错，问题出在那个"TA"的身上。
《教父》中，柯里昂老头子很强势，他会提一个无法拒绝的条件给违背他意志的人。但他不会随便发布他的意志，他待人相当谦和低调、温文尔雅。现实中，无数成功的人也或多或少拥有这样的品质。他们知道什么时候该强硬，知道什么时候该示弱，知道什么事情在自己能力范围内，知道什么是解决问题的最优方案……
回到题主的文章，造成文中描述的悲剧，在于母亲的能力不足以支撑她对家人大范围的展现"强势"。不一定是母亲要传达的观点错了，更多情况是她们使用的手段和路径有问题。她们使用的武功大都是"七伤拳"，而且偏爱"伤敌800自损1000型"（"伤敌"是指问题得到解决；损耗的是家人之间的信任和爱）。
这是一个让人痛心的、广泛存在的问题，无数人在当中受到严重伤害。而且，问题似乎还要一代代的传下去。那些"强势"的母亲，之所以如此表现， 我更愿意按上面的答案里所说的来理解：一个人让别人不快乐，是因为她过得不快乐；一个人不懂得尊重别人，是因为她没有被真正尊重过；在生命里没学会的东西是没办法给别人的。让我们在善待不完美的亲人的同时，让自己更加完善，让悲剧不再重复。
愿受伤的人随着时间得到治愈，愿所有的家充满爱。
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wZMZy7Byi8
[Douban] The Destructive Impact of a Dominant Mother on the Family (Including Popular Zhihu Comments)
Echo 飛思播客Physbook – July 12, 2014, 16:22
After watching a documentary on American serial killers, I was surprised to find that many psychopathic murderers seemed to share a common upbringing: they often came from families with dominant mothers. This piqued my curiosity, so I searched for several related articles and compiled them, hoping to provide insights for my peers on future family building and partner selection.
1. The More Dominant the Mother, the Weaker the Son and the More Aggressive the Daughter
A dominant woman is not necessarily a "strong woman." Here, dominance refers more to personality rather than career success. Many career-oriented women may be "iron ladies" in the workplace but "gentle wives" at home, often leading to happy marriages. On the other hand, some women may not have particularly successful careers but have an overbearing personality at home, insisting on having the final say in everything. These women can be described as dominant wives.
A book titled Women Must Be Ruthless to Maintain Their Status dedicates a chapter to discussing how a dominant woman can create pressure for her husband, leading to an unhappy marriage and a higher chance of infidelity. When a husband feels he is not respected at home, he may seek emotional comfort elsewhere. In recent years, emotional counseling programs have increasingly shown that when women are overly dominant in their families, not only does the husband suffer under their control, but their sons also face negative developmental consequences. In many cases, the stronger the mother, the weaker the son becomes.
A healthy family requires the presence of a strong father figure. The husband and father are often referred to as the "pillar of the family," not just because they provide financial support but because they should play a leading role in the household. If the father is absent or weak, and all power shifts to the mother, this can have serious psychological consequences for both sons and daughters.
Psychological studies indicate that when a father’s role becomes increasingly marginalized, the mother often becomes more domineering, making all the household decisions. Since children naturally identify with the same-gender parent, daughters of dominant mothers often grow up to be just as domineering, continuing the cycle into the next generation. In many families, tense mother-daughter relationships arise because of similar personalities—strong mothers often raise strong-willed daughters, and bad-tempered mothers often pass down their temper. Ironically, when daughters rebel against their mothers’ authoritarian control, they may unknowingly inherit the same controlling tendencies and apply them to their own relationships with their future children.
If a daughter constantly sees her mother expressing anger toward her father while growing up, she may unconsciously carry this resentment into her romantic relationships, often feeling inexplicably angry at her boyfriend or husband. Psychological counseling often reveals that many women who frequently lash out at their partners had mothers who treated their fathers in a similar way. As the old Chinese saying goes, "Like father, like son; like mother, like daughter." Parental influence shapes a child's personality and affects their psychological development.
A dominant mother is one who imposes her will on the family and children.
Four Major Negative Traits of a Dominant Mother:
- Self-righteousness
- Bossiness and arrogance
- Controlling and interfering
- Overly critical
Four Common Behaviors of a Dominant Mother:
- The child must always listen to the mother, and the mother’s decision is final.
- The mother closely monitors the child’s every move and is fully aware of their whereabouts and activities.
- The child must report all activities and, in some cases, seek approval before acting.
- The mother blindly dictates and interferes with the child’s personal and professional life.
Three Psychological Reasons Behind a Dominant Mother:
- Externally strong but internally weak – She lacks security and independence, and her self-worth depends on external validation.
- Strong possessiveness – She has an excessive emotional attachment to her daughter and places all her emotional burden on her.
- A habit of control – She has been self-centered since childhood and has a deep-rooted tendency to manipulate and control others.
2. Excessive Control Makes Children Lose Confidence, Become Emotionally Unstable, and Overly Dependent on Parents
Overly strict parenting can erase a child's individuality, making them emotionally unstable, lacking confidence, and overly dependent on their parents. Some mothers treat parenting like managing a workplace, being strict and demanding perfection. If their child does not meet their expectations, they may scold or criticize them, significantly affecting their mental health and development.
Many mothers see their children's success as an extension of their own self-worth. If their children succeed, they feel successful; if their children fail, they feel like failures. As a result, they transfer this pressure onto their children, unconsciously imposing their will upon them. These constant restrictions often cause children to develop low self-esteem. Being overly strict deprives children of a sense of security, leading to psychological stress, anxiety, and an eventual loss of motivation. When this happens, no amount of criticism can inspire the child to take action—they become passive and unambitious.
Daughters of dominant mothers often adopt their mother’s traits without question, while sons tend to react by avoiding confrontation. Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler once noted that when a mother is highly authoritative and constantly criticizes others in the household, daughters may become sharp-tongued and critical, while sons may develop a habit of avoidance, preferring to remain silent rather than risk conflict.
When a dominant wife ridicules her husband for being weak, she is also indirectly sending the same message to her son. A controlling wife often raises an unassertive son, and the more she criticizes her husband for being weak, the more passive and timid their son becomes.
3. Dominant Mothers Lead to Unmasculine Sons
In modern families, many mothers are highly capable and take charge of household decisions, often because the father has a weaker presence. This forces the mother to assume leadership, and in doing so, she may unwittingly weaken the father’s role.
In families with dominant mothers, boys often face several problems:
- Delayed Masculine Development – Without a strong father figure, boys may struggle with confidence and masculine identity.
- Lack of Respect for Authority – Without a respected father figure, boys may not learn to respect hierarchy and authority.
- Overprotection – Mothers who try to control everything prevent their children from developing independence.
- Excessive Pressure – Mothers who expect perfection create anxiety and self-doubt in their children.
- Difficulty in Decision-Making – Boys raised by dominant mothers may grow up unable to make independent decisions.
- Passive Resistance – When faced with excessive control, children often develop passive resistance, becoming slow and unmotivated.
- Poor Social Skills – Without proper role models, they may struggle with interpersonal relationships.
- Mother-Son Enmeshment – Sons of dominant mothers may develop unhealthy emotional dependencies, making it difficult for them to form romantic relationships.
Conclusion
To maintain a balanced family dynamic, dominant mothers should ensure that fathers have an active role in parenting and decision-making. A wise mother allows her husband to be involved in family affairs, ensuring that their children have a balanced view of gender roles.
At the same time, fathers must take responsibility and actively participate in family matters instead of avoiding their duties.
Ultimately, the key issue is not dominance itself, but how authority is exercised—whether through understanding, respect, and communication or through sheer force and control.
True leadership in parenting means knowing when to be firm, when to be gentle, and how to guide children effectively.
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