在一段婚姻里面，有淫乱的事发生的时候，两个都是基督徒，教会的看法和判断非常重要。在这样的事情发生的时候，我们要很清楚的指出这是谁的错。不是像这个社会讲的‘不要，不要，我准备离婚（I make for divorce）。’这样的离婚来了，这样的奸淫的时候，我们要指出是谁的错，这样你才能给受伤者涂抹她的伤口，也在众人面前让他知道这个受伤者是对的，她没有过错，她对婚姻忠诚，但是她被背叛。你这样做的时候，虽然那个犯错的人很难堪很痛苦，但他应该要承受，他也没有资格说‘我要离婚，我也能够再婚’。所以在这个事情上我们行的公义才会有慈爱，我们的慈爱里面也需要有公义。这是以前教会小的时候我没有多去想的东西。教会大了，有各种各样复杂的情况，才发现这些东西要很严谨的看待。不能给受伤的人伤上加伤。
May.23, 2021 Family Information #1 Rev. Vincent Chi San Choo
Complicated Matters in Marriage (1) – DivorceScriptures: Mark 10:1–12; Deuteronomy 24:1–2; Matthew 19:8–9; 1 Corinthians 7:15
Preface:Greetings, brothers and sisters! In our three services today we will address some of the more complex issues within marriage. In this service we will talk about divorce; in the next, about spousal sexual relations; and in the final service, about the words exchanged between spouses. Let us first explore the issues surrounding marriage and divorce. I’m sure everyone agrees that divorce is an increasingly prevalent problem in modern society. According to national research, a report from July last year stated that the marriage rate has declined by 6% while the divorce rate has increased by 4%—this divorce rate being the highest in the past 20 years. Last month, authorities noted that the number of young couples divorcing within 10 years of marriage is still rising. There is even talk in family planning circles of a “harmonious divorce” – meaning that during the divorce process, no fault is placed on either party, so that when the couple parts ways, they do so amicably. Thus, we see that divorce is a very real issue today. The government’s solution is to make divorce increasingly easy and to promote separation. This is not only the trend in Singapore, but worldwide. Even in a society as conservative as Singapore’s, this is the case—and in countries like China and the United States, where divorce rates have reached 50–60%, the situation is even more extreme.
From this we learn that as human civilization develops, people have grown increasingly casual about marriage; fewer are willing to adhere to God’s principles regarding marriage and divorce. That which God deems good is increasingly taken lightly by people, and that which God sees as evil is viewed as normal. For example, cohabitation: although God sees it as a very serious and shameful sin, modern people—especially young people—treat it as completely natural, as if it is merely the joining of two hearts. You will even find many cohabiting couples in churches. When I was engaged in missions in China, I saw many young people who, upon leaving their hometowns to work in another city, were almost all cohabiting. Because when two people go far from home to work, it is very convenient, habitual, and normal to rent a room and live together. Thus, the term “conservative” is no longer what modern people advocate for in marriage; freedom and openness are now prized, and treating marriage casually inevitably leads to more divorces.
Of course, I must also admit that reaching the point of divorce in marriage is sometimes unavoidable and involves very complicated circumstances. I have a burden concerning divorce; therefore, today I devote this message to a careful study of God’s Word on divorce—especially since in marriage we sometimes encounter truly unfair and grievous hurts. Does the Bible provide us with answers in these matters? Yes. Ever since humanity fell, although God originally created marriage so that people would see that living alone was not good and would obtain a suitable companion, the fall has brought sin, and in our sinful society, all sorts of complex and unimaginable mutual harms occur. God will certainly protect His people, but we must be cautious in these matters. For it is all too easy to seek direction from worldly leaders, national governments, or family planning agencies—and that is not acceptable. In the 1980 Constitution of our country, divorce was permitted only under three conditions: first, adultery; second, “unreasonable” behavior (each person having their own definition of what that is); and third, abandonment, where one party abandons the other. However, we cannot solely derive our direction from this world. We must ask: What guidance does the Bible give regarding divorce? Especially since this is a matter deeply related to biblical morality.
1. The Pharisees Tested Jesus with the Issue of DivorceLet us return to the words of our Lord. When Jesus spoke about divorce, see Mark 10:1–12. In Mark 10:1–12, Jesus got up and went into the district of Judea, outside the Jordan. The crowds gathered around Him, and He taught them as usual. Then the Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” Their intent was to test Him—really, not to ask a genuine question but to trap Him with a difficult issue. Jesus responded, “What did Moses command you?” When asked whether divorce is permissible, Jesus did not begin by saying, “I am the Son of Man, sent from God; let me give you my view.” Instead, He directed their attention to what Moses’ law said. They answered, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and to dismiss his wife.” Jesus then said, “Moses, because of your hard hearts, permitted you to divorce; but from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. What God has joined together, let no one separate.” Later, when the disciples questioned Him further, Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and if a wife divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” Here the Lord provided very important insight on divorce. Let us first consider what the Pharisees were really testing Jesus on. The Bible does not state it directly, but we may surmise there were two main reasons:
(a) They asked about divorce in the territory of the deposed King Herod, where marriage covenants had been violated. At that time the Pharisees posed this question in King Herod’s territory. According to Matthew 14, King Herod divorced his wife and then married the wife of his brother Philip. Because of this, John the Baptist reproved Herod, and later Herod had him imprisoned and executed. Thus, in testing Jesus, the Pharisees were seeking to find fault with Him—a first trap.
(b) They sought to confound Jesus with a theological issue on which even the Jewish rabbis could not agree. Observing that the Jews called Him “Rabbi,” they said, “Since You are so respected, let me present you with a theological dilemma regarding divorce—a topic on which even our rabbis have not reached a consensus: Is divorce permitted?” At that time there were two prevailing views among the rabbis concerning divorce—a conservative view and a liberal view. These differences were not unique to modern times; such conservative and liberal opinions have existed throughout history—in the church and in society alike.
2. What is Meant by “Something Indecent”?Here we turn to the Old Testament law of Moses concerning divorce. In Deuteronomy 24:1–2, Moses says that if a man marries a woman and later finds “some indecency” in her that displeases him, he may write her a certificate of divorce and dismiss her from his house; and once she leaves, she may marry another. What does “some indecency” mean? Some translations call it a disgraceful thing. Among the Pharisees—and especially among the scribes and teachers of the law—there were differing opinions on this “indecency.” Essentially, two views prevailed: one conservative and one liberal.
(1) There were two main schools of thought among the rabbis at that time: (i) The Shammal School (Conservative View) taught that “something indecent” referred solely to sexual unfaithfulness (adultery)—only by committing adultery could one divorce. (ii) The Hilel School (Liberal View) held that “something indecent” could include anything that might embarrass, disgrace, or displease the husband—thus, if a wife behaved in a way that caused such feelings, the husband had the right to divorce her. This liberal view was widely accepted at the time, which is why King Herod felt justified in divorcing his wife and marrying another.
(2) Jesus, however, was not swayed by human opinions but followed the Father’s will. You might think that if Jesus sided with the conservative view—divorce is allowed only in cases of outright adultery—He would differ from the common opinion and risk rejection, possibly even being accused by King Herod. Conversely, if He adopted the liberal view, then anyone could divorce whenever displeased, making the Pharisees even more conservative than Him—a trap indeed. But we know that our Lord Jesus Christ does not yield to human opinion; He is not influenced by what people think. When He came to earth, He did so solely in obedience to the Father’s will, concerned only with truth and holiness.
3. Jesus Clarifies His Teaching on DivorceWhat is Jesus’ stance amid these debates? When we discuss divorce, it is not merely a question of whether divorce is permitted, but also what one should do after divorcing. Many ask whether, after divorce, one is allowed in God’s eyes to remarry. Of course, there are many complexities regarding remarriage. What is being addressed here is: Does God truly permit divorce? Is it legitimate? Our Lord makes His position clear in Mark 10:5–9 by saying, “Moses permitted you to divorce because your hearts were hard; but from the beginning, God intended that marriage should not be broken. For this reason, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Based on this Scripture, one might assume that all Christians share the same view on divorce. Unfortunately, even to this day, different churches and denominations hold varied opinions on this matter.
Many pastors and churches maintain that divorce is absolutely forbidden under any circumstance because they believe that Christ came to fulfill the law. They claim that with the advent of the New Testament, the law imposed on humanity by Moses was abolished and replaced with a new standard. In this passage, Jesus clearly states that Moses allowed divorce only because of the hardness of human hearts, but originally God did not intend for marriage to be broken. When we make our wedding vows, we say, “I will love you, protect you, and be faithful to you for life (until death).” These vows do not include, “If I ever lose my feelings or we stop loving each other, I will divorce you.” Marriage was designed to be lifelong; God never planned for divorce. When a couple makes their vows, who on their wedding day plans for divorce, thinking, “Which lawyer should I hire and what will the alimony be?” Certainly no one. Dear brothers and sisters, divorce comes about because after sin, people begin to cover up their failings; mistrust grows, pain and resentment accumulate, and eventually many choose the path of divorce. But in the beginning, the marriage that God created was beautiful—this was not His design.
Some pastors assert, “According to God’s intention and what Jesus taught, divorce is absolutely forbidden under all circumstances.” Such a statement sounds proper, carrying the spirit of mutual love, but it does not withstand the clearer teaching of our Lord in Matthew 19, where an exception is provided.
(a) Exception Clause: Except for Sexual Immorality (Matthew 19:8–9) In Matthew 19:8–9, Jesus says, “Moses permitted you to divorce because of your hard hearts, but it was not so from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery; and if a woman divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Here “sexual immorality” refers to betrayal in the sexual realm—engaging in unfaithfulness. The original term not only refers to promiscuity but can also denote indecency, including even the viewing of obscene materials (pornography) and generally any immoral behavior in the realm of sexuality. Thus, the term is used broadly to describe sexual immorality. We must reflect and pray about exactly what the exception clause entails. Taken literally, it means that if one party commits sexual immorality within the marriage, the other has the right to divorce because the covenant of marriage, built on trust, is broken—thereby justifying divorce in the eyes of God and permitting the wronged party to remarry. Crucially, it must be the case that the other party has truly betrayed you, not merely a suspicion. For example, if a husband sees his wife being driven home by a male colleague and becomes suspicious, that is not sufficient. Therefore, careful prayer and discernment are necessary. Moreover, it is not merely a matter of incompatibility; many cases arise where both parties lose affection and one falls in love with someone else. In such cases, if both have sinned, divorce is permitted. You must be upright before God regarding these matters of sexuality. If you are deceitful in this area, God will judge you. In matters of sexuality, those who sin against God will face personal, physical, and generational consequences. Marriage is a covenant; when one party breaks that covenant, it is broken. This is the exception clause that our Lord Jesus taught.
(b) Abandonment by a Non-believing Spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15) Continuing in the New Testament, Paul provides another exception clause in 1 Corinthians 7:15: “But if the unbelieving partner departs, let it be so; in such cases the brother or sister is not bound.” This passage addresses divorce in cases where a non-believing spouse chooses to leave a believing partner. It is not that disagreements over faith or the refusal to allow one to attend church justify divorce; rather, it is when the unbelieving partner actively abandons you—perhaps because they despise your faith—that divorce is permitted. The point is that your heart should be one of love, and you should strive to reconcile, but if the unbelieving partner persists in leaving you—abandoning not just you but your children as well—then Scripture permits divorce. I must emphasize that such situations are rare in my pastoral experience. Typically, couples argue and eventually come to some form of accommodation.
The key point is that your attitude should be one of love and a willingness to reconcile. However, if your spouse adamantly refuses to reconcile—if he or she actively departs, thereby betraying the covenant—then Scripture allows for divorce without blame on the injured party. I have tried to explain this clearly and in a balanced manner so that you might understand the overall situation. I am not saying that if you simply have differing beliefs, you should intentionally provoke your spouse to despise your faith and then seek divorce. We must not misuse God’s Word; we must act in accordance with it so that we remain blameless before God and receive His blessing.
现在我们都很清楚知道了这是心灵的瘫痪。我们在主面前，我们知道爱里没有惧怕，然后主饶恕我们，我们也求祂的饶恕，再次清洁。现在我们要进入婚姻的时候，有时发现难免还有一些残余的障碍。现在我讲的是残余，你要知道你在主面前得饶恕，进到主的爱中你已经得释放了，主已经饶恕你了，但是我们毕竟是人，我们在婚姻里面还有一个残余的障碍。为什么上帝留住这个？这是上帝要藉着夫妇两个人来帮助彼此得医治的地方。在夫妇两个人的房事上，彼此的帮助，不要加给彼此惧怕压力或者内疚责怪。比如说你看，又不能了。你要记得这些东西是瘫痪人的，心灵的瘫痪最厉害是Fear and Guilt，这个东西一有的时候马上封闭，马上不能的，你们绝对记得这个。
May.23, 2021 Family Information #2 Rev. Vincent Chi San Choo
Complicated Matters in Marriage (2) – Spousal Sexual LifeScripture: 1 Corinthians 7:4–5
Preface:Greetings, brothers and sisters! Research shows that one of the greatest causes of marital breakdown is problems with a couple’s sexual relationship. Although this is a matter of personal opinion, we cannot ignore it. The lack of communication, intimacy, and sexual relations between spouses has become a major issue in modern marriages. Some couples, after having children, hardly engage sexually, losing the spark; others suffer because one party carries past traumas or severe psychological barriers that inhibit sexual intimacy; and many couples simply have mismatched sexual needs. In society, many psychologists, books, and online resources discuss marital sexual issues. Such problems are on the rise. Newspapers report that in countries like Japan, where the birth rate is plummeting, a report a few years ago showed that young people aged 18–34 are increasingly disinterested in romance and sex. Compared to other Asian nations, Singapore has one of the lowest frequencies of sexual activity. We must remember that God created us as beings with sexual desire. For couples who encounter major obstacles in this area, it is often due to deficiencies or unmet needs either physically or emotionally. Sexual intimacy fosters closeness and strength in the relationship—it directly affects our well-being. As Christians, if we have issues in this area, or even if we do not, we cannot ignore them. We must understand the problem and ask the Lord to heal our marriage.
First, Christians understand that our view of sex differs from the world’s. Generally, people begin to experience sexual desire around the ages of 12–14 and become curious about sex. But God said, “No!” Outside of marriage, it is forbidden—this is precious and must be awaited. Then in your twenties or thirties, when you marry, God says now it is permitted—not only permitted, but He encourages it. At that point, we see that some Christians struggle to attain harmony in their sexual relations. What was once entirely forbidden now must be understood and integrated into the practice of marriage. Many Christians do not deliberately pray about these matters, and as a result, marital life lacks grace. We must first be clear on what the teaching about sex is. In the early church, some theologians—including the famous St. Augustine—viewed marital intimacy too strictly, believing it was solely for procreation. Therefore, they held that the purpose of marital sex was only to conceive children. This view, however, is not directly from Scripture but was influenced by the ascetic tendencies of Greek philosophy. Yet God permits sex, and there is a reason—namely, not only for procreation. The Bible in 1 Corinthians 7 clearly instructs that spouses should not deprive one another because just as God created our spirit, He also created our body. Our spirit can by faith engage with the spiritual realm, but our body interacts with the physical world. Thus, in teaching about love, the Bible does not merely instruct you to care for your neighbor’s physical needs (food, drink, clothing) or to visit those in prison to show care. The importance of the body is clearly affirmed. God does not despise the physical needs of the body. The love between a husband and wife is not solely an internal affection; their bodies must physically interact, touch, and engage. God created sexual desire not only for the purpose of procreation but also for the mutual fulfillment of our hearts. Therefore, sex is meant to be enjoyed—not solely for conceiving children. From this we infer that sex is good, but only within marriage. That which is permitted, protected, and ordained by God in marriage is good. Anything outside of marriage is considered fornication. Scripture warns against fornication and lewd speech; such things must be avoided.
Why must sexual expression be confined to marriage? God desires to preserve the sanctity whereby a man and a woman, united by a covenant, can be naked without shame. Why does God prohibit natural sexual expression outside of marriage? Because He intends for marriage—with its promises and vows—to protect the sanctity of the union. That is the true love God created—not one-night stands or casual sex without responsibility. When sex becomes merely a means to satisfy physical desire without a genuine commitment of self-sacrifice, God is displeased. Therefore, God’s safeguarding of chastity in sexual matters is of utmost importance. Sexual matters can be destructive or creative; if done outside of God’s permission, you lose your dignity, your self-image is shattered, and even physical illness may result. But if done as God intended, it brings benefit to both body and soul. One path leads to shame and ugliness, and the other to glory and beauty. Thus, sex is created, ordained, blessed, and managed by God. We must follow His will so that nothing harmful occurs. In modern society, not only are there issues in marriage, but there are also numerous problems regarding marital sexual relations. Although these issues are rarely discussed openly, surveys reveal that they are deeply troubling to many.
1. The Primary Principle: Spouses Must Not Deprive One AnotherLet us see what the Bible teaches on this matter. In 1 Corinthians 7:4–5 it says, “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” In other words, the bodies of a husband and wife belong to one another. How you use your body to help and satisfy each other is a crucial principle ordained by God for marriage—a significant duty. Spouses should not withhold intimacy from one another unless by mutual agreement and for a limited time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but afterward you must come together again to prevent Satan from taking advantage of your vulnerability.
(1) The Core of Marital Intimacy: Love at the Center, Mutual Consent:The Scripture states that spouses must not deprive each other. Some ask: Does this mean that whenever one spouse desires intimacy, the other must always comply? My answer is: Not necessarily. We are all weak at times—both you and your spouse. Consider: Who among you washes the dishes every single time when asked by your spouse? No. There may be legitimate reasons such as fatigue, busyness, discomfort, or inconvenience. The core of marital intimacy is love. It must be based on love and mutual consent. You cannot say, “If you love me, you must always satisfy my every demand,” nor, “If you truly love me, you would never make any demands.” Intimacy is a natural, God-encouraged expression of love between husband and wife. However, if there is weakness, do not ignore it or focus solely on work and children; if you continually neglect each other’s sexual needs, your marriage will eventually develop cracks. You may find one partner focusing on work while the other focuses on the children, ignoring the mutual feelings. Therefore, this passage teaches that couples must be attentive to each other’s needs.
(2) Satan’s Two Traps in Human Sexuality:In the realm of sexuality, Satan has devised two snares:
1) To tempt a person into engaging in sexual relations outside of marriage.
2) To cause a person to neglect sexual relations within marriage.
Both traps serve to test and potentially destroy a person. Neglecting intimacy within marriage leaves you vulnerable to attack—resulting in a lack of strength, self-confidence, and overall happiness, causing the marriage to grow increasingly dim. Therefore, be aware of the enemy’s tactics; the Scripture emphasizes the fundamental principle of mutual love.
2. The Main Obstacles in Marital Sexual Relations:I am aware that many complex issues exist regarding marital intimacy. Medical science offers many perspectives on these issues—whether psychological or physiological, whether the problem lies with men or with women—but first, let us understand that these issues arise from the very nature God has implanted in us.
(1) Issues in Marital Intimacy:We can examine marital sexual problems from two angles:
1) For Men – Impotence: The first issue pertains to men; impotence refers to a lack of ability or strength in sexual expression.
2) For Women – Frigidity: The second issue concerns women; frigidity refers to a cold, unresponsive, or even repressed sexual disposition.
(2) These Issues, Though Not Absolute, Can Paralyze a Couple’s Sexual Life:Neither impotence nor frigidity is absolute. No man is entirely impotent, and no woman is completely devoid of sexual desire. When we use these terms, we refer to different degrees of sexual expression. Some may be very capable sexually, while others face certain obstacles. Sometimes, due to specific circumstances, a husband may exhibit some degree of impotence, or a wife may be so unresponsive that it creates a form of paralysis in their sexual relationship. This is a concern for many, as sexual desire is an innate need. In our society, many clinics—both Western and traditional—offer various treatments. However, the “clinic” within the Christian community has not provided adequate, biblically sound answers for believers. Remember, impotence or frigidity is not an absolute condition, but it can lead to a kind of paralysis.
Even Abraham, at 100 years old, and Sarah, at 90, were able to conceive Isaac. Yet, impotence or frigidity, while not absolute, represents a deficiency—a kind of paralysis.
3. Hidden Behind Issues of Marital Intimacy Are Feelings of Fear and Guilt:How do we address these issues? While I do not discount the use of medication or medical treatment, I place greater emphasis on seeking true healing from the very nature of our creation by God. All healing must begin from the root. When we return to God and allow Him to dwell in us, He heals us from within. When problems in intimacy arise, understand that they often stem from inner fears and unresolved guilt. For instance, some people remain confined to a wheelchair not because of physical injury—X-rays or MRI scans may show no damage—but because of mental blocks. I mention this because, in addition to fear, there is often guilt hidden deep within. These two factors—fear and guilt—are the primary contributors to problems in marital intimacy. Almost every couple with sexual issues begins with fear: fear of not being accepted, fear of inadequacy in performance, fear of failure, fear of being blamed, or fear of not satisfying the other. In today’s culture, saturated with lewd images and false ideals from movies, you may begin to feel that your own marital intimacy is dull, increasing your inner pressure. This pressure, though subtle, can paralyze you. Recently, with the Olympics approaching, I noted that Joseph Schooling’s time had slowed by nearly three seconds compared to when he won gold—three seconds is a long time in swimming. I thought: Why was he so fast before, and now so slow? He must be under pressure. What was once excellent now falters under that pressure—pressure that can render one immobile.
4. The Way to Resolve These Issues:(1) Only Love Can Drive Out Fear:Fear of not performing, of failing, of not being accepted, of being blamed, or of not being able to satisfy—dear brothers and sisters, God did not design marital intimacy as a stage for performance. It is about the union, communication, and closeness between two people, ultimately based on love, not solely for the purpose of childbearing. When sex and love are separated, problems inevitably arise. Many men, for example, may say to their wives, “I love you,” and the wife immediately interprets it as a request for physical intimacy. Of course, for a man this might be acceptable if he loves her, but too often men separate sexual need from the motive of love. This is why, from time immemorial, the most lucrative industry has been prostitution—indicating that it is all too easy for a man to separate sex from love. When you do so, you become increasingly bound by fear, and you cannot overcome that fear or pressure. This is a common problem among men.
Some women might also separate sex from love—though less frequently—treating it as merely a duty or a transactional act (for instance, “I will only be intimate with you if you do the dishes first”), or confining sex solely to the purpose of having children. Many women insist that sex is only for procreation; once children are born, they withhold intimacy, thereby undermining the marriage and robbing their husband of dignity and self-confidence. Eventually, the husband may come to think, “Why does he only seek sex from me?” Because you treat it as a transaction and separate sex from love. Even if you share a bed, if there is no genuine mutual satisfaction, it will eventually lead to disdain and rejection. Thus, when you separate sex from love, problems in intimacy are inevitable. Much of the underlying fear stems from a lack of love—love can cover all faults and dispel all fear. When a man truly loves his wife, willing to sacrifice and delight in her, and when a woman truly loves and appreciates her husband, intimacy naturally follows and is enjoyed. In my counseling of couples, I have observed that many marital sexual issues are at least partly linked to fear.
There are many kinds of fear—for example, fear of pregnancy, fear of living with one’s in-laws and being discovered (inconvenience), fear of failure that leads to blame, or fear that one’s advancing age and diminishing attractiveness will cause the spouse to despise them, fear of pain, or fear of being hurt. If you consistently ignore these issues, your sexual relationship will suffer. But I tell you, if sexual desire is the need God has implanted in our nature, we must not indefinitely evade facing problems in intimacy. Only love can solve this.
(2) Forgiveness for Sexual Sins:Closely related to fear is the issue of guilt. If, before or during marriage, you have sinned sexually against God or yourself, you may harbor hidden guilt—sometimes for a long time, you cannot forgive yourself, and shame persists. Or, even if the issue seems minor, when marital problems arise, you recall those sins, and self-blame ensues. In my pastoral ministry, I have encountered couples who engaged in premarital sex, married, and then found that their marital intimacy was far less satisfying than before. The thrill of premarital sin may have been high, but once married, the spark fades. Let me tell you: When a person sins sexually against God and themselves, there will be consequences. Sometimes unresolved bitterness and guilt will remain hidden in the heart.
1) Sexual Offenses: Some sisters who engaged in premarital sex later encounter various problems in marriage. They may feel deep resentment, saying, “Before marriage you pressured me and took away my chastity; now, after many years, you bring this up.” The husband might counter, “But you were fine before.” In such cases, blame is exchanged endlessly. The underlying issue is that you have sinned against God, and neither party has repented. Both treat the matter as trivial, and as the marriage moves into a new phase, the lingering guilt remains unaddressed. This unhealed wound destroys the very heart of the marriage. Furthermore, many indulge in pornography—common among both men and women. Whether before or after marriage, if such degenerative sexual material enters your mind, your marital intimacy will suffer. First, your spouse may feel disrespected, thinking, “You’re just watching—it’s as if you admire someone else.” No one can tolerate that. Secondly, if you see such images and then find that your own intimacy pales by comparison, you gradually lose interest in your own marital life.
2) How to Receive Forgiveness Before God: Sexual sins cut deep. The shame and regret that follow are real. Many sisters, for instance, feel a lingering stain in their souls due to past sexual sins, which impedes the joy of marital intimacy. When the subject arises, they blame themselves or dwell on self-pity. In my ministry, I have met those who, having engaged in premarital sex, later married but found their sexual relationship unsatisfying. When one sins in matters of sex, there will always be consequences. Sometimes, unresolved bitterness and guilt remain hidden, causing continual inner turmoil.
Bring these sins before God and confess, “Lord, I have sinned against You; have mercy on my contrite heart; cleanse and heal me, and deliver me from this paralysis.” Only when true sorrow and repentance accompany sexual sin can you be truly set free by God’s forgiveness. Otherwise, that sin will continue to torment and paralyze you.
(3) Finally, Spouses Must Rely on the Lord to Help Each Other Overcome Sexual Barriers:Now, we understand that these issues are rooted in inner paralysis. After you have repented before God and experienced His forgiveness and love, you may still find residual barriers in your marriage. I speak of residual issues—after you have been forgiven and set free, there may still remain lingering obstacles because we are human. Why does God allow this? It is because God intends for husband and wife to help each other heal. In marital intimacy, mutual help should not add to fear, pressure, or guilt. Remember, these things paralyze the heart. Once they take hold, you become completely shut down. When you have repented before God and then help each other overcome these obstacles, consider how a husband should treat his wife: with both strength and tenderness—not only in the bedroom, but in how he speaks to her and treats her in all aspects. God gave you your wife, and she is naturally sensitive. If she has an obstacle, she may become cold and withdrawn; in such times, a husband must be both strong and gentle, leading her back to intimacy. Some husbands say, “My wife never wants intimacy; it’s fine, we’ll live like this.” Listen carefully: Being strong means that you must demand it—not for yourself, but for her benefit. However, if she truly cannot, that is acceptable; but maintain the same loving heart. Pray for her, care for her, and guide her with love, and eventually she will naturally open up. This is true leadership—even in matters of intimacy, a husband must lead.
If, however, a husband is struggling in this area, and the wife becomes indifferent and unresponsive, that is unacceptable. As the helper, you must help him. How? By being willing, positive, and supportive, so that your husband’s confidence is restored. This is what a wife should do for the husband she loves. When both of you can overcome difficulties together, it is an honor and a beautiful thing in God’s eyes. May the Lord heal our marriages in this area and remove all our weaknesses and barriers.
Prayer:Lord, we thank You! Today You have taught us clearly through Your Word regarding marriage so that we do not miss the blessings You have prepared for us. We know that this is a problem faced by everyone in this age—people may resort to worldly solutions, but as Christians, we must not be helpless in this area. For when You created man and woman, You implanted sexual desire into our nature and placed in us the need for one another. Please greatly help us in this area. Especially those of us who are weak, please heal us. We thank You, and we pray this in the victorious name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen!
23/05/2021 Family Information #3 Rev. Vincent Chi San Choo
Complicated Matters in Marriage (3) – Words Spoken Between SpousesScriptures: Song of Solomon 4:1–7; 5:10–16; James 3:5
Preface:Greetings, everyone! Just now when you all sang “Perfect Love,” I recalled the time of my own wedding 18 years ago—back then we also sang that hymn—and today it feels like a wedding ceremony. The theme today is the complicated issues in marriage. There are many complex problems within marriage; if we were to list them all, we could talk until the end of the year. However, according to research and my own pastoral experience, the main red flags in marriage include issues such as sexual intimacy (which I have just addressed), issues concerning children (as couples often quarrel over their children), financial issues (differences in financial views), and issues with both sets of parents (a very common problem today, e.g., “Why do you only listen to your parents? Why do you only care about their needs? What about mine?”). These problems occur frequently in marriage, and they are all natural because we are all sinners. Sin makes it easy for even those who love each other to become divided—their needs differ, their viewpoints clash, and their feelings diverge. Beneath all these issues lies a deeper problem: the issue of our tongue.
How we speak to one another reveals how much we respect, love, and value each other. When problems occur in marriage, it may seem that external factors—such as being busy with work, taking care of children, or handling many responsibilities—are to blame. But underlying all these is how we speak to one another. Some couples have become accustomed to speaking carelessly, with harsh, angry, and indifferent tones—cold, cutting words that disregard each other’s feelings. In family life, it is inevitable that we are busy, and sometimes our financial or parental obligations must be managed. However, amid these hectic matters, we must pay attention to the way we speak to one another. Some husbands say to me, “Pastor, I have never heard my wife praise me—perhaps only on our wedding day; otherwise, all she ever says is that I am wrong in everything.” This is the heartfelt complaint of some husbands; others, the wives, say, “Pastor, my husband is not gentle with me. I am a woman, yet when he speaks to me, he shouts, but when he speaks to his friends, he is courteous and gentle.” Over time, your spouse may be shaped by your words into someone hard and unyielding. This is essentially an issue of the tongue—how we speak to one another.
Poorly chosen words directly affect all other matters. For example, if there is anger in our speech, how can we be intimate? When you quarrel over trivial issues concerning your children, a small matter can escalate into a major conflict. The same goes for finances—if one partner is constantly blamed, they may feel defiant and react by spending impulsively, because they do not feel understood or accepted, only criticized and devalued. This is an area in which we must pray earnestly. I could speak at length about many issues in marriage, but in the realm of complexity I will conclude with this issue.
Song of Solomon: The Love Between a Man and a Woman
Let us look at the biblical passages on marital love. Today we will particularly examine the Song of Solomon.
Song of Solomon 4:1–7:“My beloved, you are beautiful! You are beautiful! Your eyes, behind your veil, are like doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats, that lie down on the slopes of Mount Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn ewes coming up from the washing; each one bears twins, and not one among them is bereft. Your lips are like a scarlet thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle. I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense, until the day cools, until the shadows flee away. My beloved, you are altogether beautiful, and there is no blemish in you!”
This is the groom speaking to the bride. Brothers, have you ever praised your wife like this? Her eyes are like those of doves—bright and full of life; her hair is soft and abundant like goats resting on the hillside; her teeth are even, her lips are red, her cheeks are rosy, her neck graceful, and her bosom full. The groom uses poetic imagery to lavish praise upon the bride.
So how does the bride view her husband?Song of Solomon 5:10–16:“My beloved is radiant and ruddy, surpassing all men. His head is as fine gold; his hair is thick and wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water, washed with milk, fit for a king. His cheeks are like beds of spice, like a garden of aromatic herbs; his lips are like lilies, dripping with myrrh. His hands are like rings of gold set with beryl; his body is like carved ivory, encircled by lapis lazuli. His legs are like pillars of white marble set on a base of fine gold; his appearance is like Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. His mouth is exceedingly sweet; he is altogether delightful. O daughters of Jerusalem, behold, this is my beloved; this is my friend.”
The bride admires her groom in every detail—his handsome, robust appearance; his thick, dark hair; his lively eyes; his rosy cheeks; his well-formed features; his strong arms; his sturdy legs; his majestic bearing; and his gentle, kind words. She proudly proclaims, “Look, this is my husband.”
In the Song of Solomon, we see the passionate and explicit admiration that the bride and groom have for each other. Many interpreters say that the Song of Solomon is an allegory of Christ’s love for the Church. Of course, the overall theme of the Bible is the love between Christ and His bride. However, we need not immediately adopt that interpretation, for the Song of Solomon indeed speaks of the love between a man and a woman. The Bible contains historical narratives, doctrinal teachings, and the romance of a husband and wife. Those who are well-versed in theology should understand both aspects.
(1) The Bible Does Not Disregard the Beauty of the Human Body:From the mutual praise in the Song of Solomon, we see that the Bible is not indifferent to physical beauty. We cannot assume that because Scripture deals with spiritual matters, it disregards the beauty of the flesh. Some women, for example, adorn themselves like fresh flowers, and some men dress smartly to project an image of stability. Yet, some believers, after coming to faith, neglect their appearance—dressing sloppily, as if they were old— which is not right. God created both our spirit and our body. Our body is tangible and visible, and its appearance can bring joy and satisfaction to the heart. People naturally appreciate what pleases the eye. If I came to preach in jeans, how would you feel? Your clothing, appearance, and even your manner of speaking convey a message.
Sometimes we say, “We’ve been married so long; it doesn’t matter if we’re casual.” That is not good. For in the Song of Solomon, you will not hear the groom say, “My beloved, even though you have unkempt hair, you are still beautiful.” He would never say that. Therefore, believers should not become slovenly. If you are careless about your appearance, you are not respecting the image that God created in you, nor are you honoring how your spouse sees you. Even if your spouse loves you regardless, remember that God created your body, so your external appearance is important. My wife sometimes tells me, “Oh, my white hair is increasing.” Once, when I looked at a magazine, I jokingly suggested, “Why not dye it all grey so you won’t have to dye it white later?” She replied, “If I dye it grey, people will think I’m 15 years older—like your mother.” Hearing her, I understood she cared about her image in my eyes and was concerned about how others perceive us—and that is right.
(2) In the Mutual Attraction Between a Man and a Woman, Words Are Key:The Bible seems to indicate that while our physical appearance is important, what truly gives a lasting impression is the way you speak to each other. In the Song of Solomon, you will not hear the bride or groom say things like, “Why do you always act like that? Why are you always late? Why do you think this way? Why do you do that?” Instead, they express sentiments such as, “You are altogether beautiful” and “You are entirely delightful”—words of admiration, praise, and appreciation. As James 3:5 says, “Likewise, the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. See, a small spark can set a great forest ablaze.” Be very careful with your tongue—it is as dangerous as fire, capable of burning down an entire forest.
2. People Have Long Been Hurt by Reproachful and Disdainful Words, Unwittingly Bringing Them into MarriageWhen facing marital problems, you often find that the words spoken to a spouse or child are those deeply ingrained from past experiences. I recall a time after a sermon when a couple approached me. I was deeply impressed by the wife—she was extraordinarily beautiful, almost angelic, as if she were a celebrity—whereas the husband was rather ordinary in appearance. From a worldly perspective, one might think, “This man is very fortunate.” Later, I learned that they were contemplating divorce. Why would a husband divorce such a beautiful wife? Because the wife had suffered many wounds and hurts. She said, “I grew up with a father who was absent and a mother who divorced; my mother raised us alone, but all the words she spoke were full of denial—telling us we were worthless, incapable, and inferior, regardless of what we did. Growing up like that, I became very sensitive and easily hurt, and eventually I even developed depression, relying on sleeping pills for years. After having children, I couldn’t even care for them properly.” In such circumstances, she was unable to respond positively to her husband, and he, in turn, became exhausted and yearned to give up the marriage. I was deeply moved by their plight. This is not something that can be solved simply by external qualities; it is a deep-seated wound from childhood that shapes one’s self-image negatively. And even when you resolve these issues, the residual pain remains.
(1) Many Cannot Escape Hurtful Words, and They Remain Bound for Life:You will see that some sisters are very fragile, prone to tears at the slightest provocation, constantly feeling inferior and blaming themselves—exceeding the bounds of healthy self-examination. I have seen many such brothers and sisters—especially women—who, despite their good qualities and beauty, hold a negative self-image because of the many demeaning words they have heard. Whether those words came from their parents, in-laws, or spouses, they lodge in their souls and negatively affect them over time. Whether said once, twice, or repeatedly, those words remain. I remember my elementary school Chinese teacher who often said, “You are like rotten wood that cannot be carved. Your wood is so decayed that no matter how much you are carved, it is useless—you cannot be taught.” I still feel today that those words were poisonous, piercing straight to my heart. “Rotten wood cannot be carved”—once, twice, thrice… and this continued through high school. I have harbored resentment against that teacher ever since. When my mother visited the school, that teacher remarked, “Oh, your son…” and I do not know why such things happened. That teacher preferred gentle, submissive people like my wife and did not like someone like me. I wonder if his personal biases contributed to my aversion to Chinese class. Therefore, I consider it a miracle that I am able to preach in Chinese today.
(2) Harsh and Cold Words in Marriage Only Intensify the Wounds:An author once wrote a book titled “Criticism.” He said that if someone comes at you with a knife or a stick, your first reaction is to run. Recently, when a building in Shenzhen swayed, hundreds of people ran out—naturally. But he said that there is one thing you cannot escape: words. Once spoken and lodged in the heart, words unconsciously control you, shape your view of others, and affect all your relationships. The criticism, blame, and disdain from people are extremely damaging—especially when they come from those we love, multiplying the hurt severalfold. We must be extremely cautious with the harsh words spoken by those we love, and with the words we ourselves speak in our marriages. Our words can either build trust and intimacy between us and our spouse or create suspicion and disdain. If every word you speak makes your spouse fearful—if she is always afraid that you will blame her for what you say—then your relationship becomes adversarial, as you have become accustomed to hurting one another with your words.
3. Mutual Praise and Criticism Between Spouses:I have counseled many couples, and I have never seen a woman who does not long to be cherished and praised by her husband. I have also counseled many men, and I have never seen a man who does not want his wife to appreciate and admire him. My wife and I have been married for 18 years, and we have gone through many trials. Sometimes we look back on our early days of marriage, then on our busy days after having children, and later on when we served together in ministry—and we see that throughout, God has healed us in many ways through His Word. In fact, my wife and I have prayed many times concerning the words we speak to each other. I love my wife and want her to know how much I cherish her. If my words express gratitude, praise, and appreciation, she will feel it—and you can’t fake it. If it were insincere, she would know. Some husbands speak to their wives with impatience and a tone of contempt, saying, “Can’t you do the housework properly? Can’t you take care of the children?” Such words might seem normal. We know that in Singapore, everyone is very busy, especially now during the pandemic when children are at home. But you must be careful, because even though everyone is busy with work and household tasks, you must not forget to bless each other with kind words. Do not use busyness as an excuse. You all have had busy jobs with hundreds of emails and many phone calls; yet when you step into your boss’s office, you immediately adjust your attitude and speak politely. Why then can’t you do the same for your spouse? Because after so many years together, you might habitually slip into speaking harsh, critical, and demeaning words without even realizing it. Scripture clearly instructs, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up…” (Ephesians 4:29).
(1) No Couple is Without the Need for Mutual Praise; No Love Can Grow Amid Constant Criticism:In marriage, it is common to get angry and let out hurtful words. Have you noticed that one of the biggest mistakes in marriage is retaliating—“an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”—where you speak to your spouse in the same manner as they speak to you? Perhaps you do not say it outright, but that is the underlying sentiment. When you have been together for a long time, you may grow weary, and then how do you show respect and care for your spouse? It is certainly not by retaliating. When you retaliate, your marital life deteriorates; your words become increasingly harsh and cold. If you wish to respect and care for your spouse, then when she is angry and complaining, you must remain calm. I know it is difficult, but you must calm down and show love—treat her kindly. That is the selfless love taught in Scripture. When she is gentle and compliant, you naturally love her; but even when she is angry and unresponsive, if you still love her and treat her well, then your love will cover her faults and shame. In fact, when she loses her temper, she is effectively being accused, and she is in pain—but if you cover for her, Satan cannot accuse her. Then you will find that her anger and unreasonableness gradually subside. When you respond in kind with harsh words, no other aspect of your marriage will improve—be it communication or intimacy—because your unprayed-for words exacerbate all other problems. Therefore, when speaking to your spouse, always speak with love and kindness. A husband should be strong and, regardless of his wife’s mood, should not lose his temper, but rather love her gently. Conversely, if a husband is insecure and lacks confidence, his wife should never use her words to crush his spirit; instead, she should speak with humility, gentleness, and a willingness to help so that his confidence is naturally restored. This is the nature that God has given to both men and women—when together, the man protects and the woman inspires the man. That is what it means for two to become one.
When you hear this, you will immediately recognize that it is truly the relationship between Christ and the Church. Earlier, we spoke of the love in the Old Testament Song of Solomon, and in the New Testament, when discussing marriage, Paul adds, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32). How does Christ treat the Church? He cleanses her with His Word and washes her with water, so that she is undefiled and without blemish. Brothers, after you have heard God’s Word, please internalize it and use prayerful words to heal your wife—heal the areas where she is scarred, defiled, or wounded. That is the selfless love that God calls us to.
Sisters, remember not to demean your husbands. Some sisters speak harshly to their husbands, saying things like, “Don’t you have eyes? Don’t you see what you’re doing?” Such words are cruel; please do not say them. The more you say them, the more you hurt both of you. Remember that in marriage, you are the body and he is the head. Who walks with his head covered? Your husband is the head, and if you insult him to the point where he loses confidence and cannot stand tall, then you are causing shame to both of you. To look down on your husband is to hurt yourself—it is a spiritual principle. If any sister is accustomed to speaking this way, she must repent. How you treat your husband can affect the entire family, including the children. Some husbands are gentle and sensitive, and such treatment is particularly damaging. Some sisters become so domineering that they even control the couple’s intimacy. Once, I joked with my wife, “I can tell from the way you look at each other that your intimacy has issues.” This is from my pastoral experience.
Therefore, learn to speak words of praise and appreciation to one another.
(2) Praise is Not Flattery:Appreciating one another is not mere flattery. For example, if your wife cooks a meal that isn’t very good and you say, “It’s delicious! It’s so good—I finished it all,” she will not be comforted because she knows it isn’t good. But you also should not say it tastes awful; rather, you should sincerely point out gently, “This is a bit too salty; this is a bit too spicy.” You must genuinely appreciate and praise her. When praising your spouse, you must pray and truly acknowledge her strengths. Sometimes you may feel there is nothing to praise, but if there were truly nothing worthy of praise, would you marry her? So there is always something—you may just have lost sight of her merits. Take time to reflect and recognize your spouse’s strengths. For instance, if a wife dresses very beautifully but her husband is always on his phone and fails to notice, then the husband should take a moment to admire and praise her. This is simple and easy to do.
My wife and I have been married for 18 years, and I often praise her, though I always feel it is not enough. In truth, she has helped me greatly. When I face difficulties or am troubled in the church, she senses my mood and understands that something is hard for me, even when I am too busy. Often, when the church has many trivial matters, even if I can handle them, I ask my wife for help, and I affirm her efforts. As a result, you will see that together you both grow and improve.
(3) Not Criticizing Does Not Mean Not Correcting:In modern society, some husbands are so capable that, in addition to working, they even cook. For example, “If I let my wife cook, she wouldn’t know how; so I do it better.” In such cases, the wife may never improve. That is not good. I also cook—in college I cooked for myself. When my wife married me, I cooked better than she did, as my children all agree. Later, as a housewife, she began to try cooking, and over the years she improved; now, she handles 90% of the household work very well. You are not to blame her, but you must have some expectations and gently guide her. Only by leading and guiding your wife can you eventually see her excel in every aspect. Proverbs 31 describes a virtuous woman—not one who earns a lot of money, but one whom her husband praises and upon whom he can rely. The husband is the head of the household; if you do not use your words to help, heal, and encourage her, she will struggle. And the same goes for a wife—you must understand your role and position.
4. Through Our Sincere Praise, Many Wounds in a Spouse’s Life Can Be Healed:Psychology tells us that for every hurtful word spoken, nine words of praise are needed to erase its damage. I do not know the exact research method behind this conclusion, but we know that people are sinful, and when we sin, we are constantly condemned. Think of all the negative words your spouse has heard throughout childhood—from parents, peers, or others—and how those words accumulate over time. Now that she is married to you, the person she loves most, how will you use your words to help heal her? I have often read reports that a person beaten by their father needs nine times as many words of praise to overcome that hurt. It is not the few instances of abuse that ruin someone, but the cumulative effect of countless demeaning words lodged in the heart. Some women, because of this, carry their wounds for 5 or 10 years in their marriage, sometimes lashing out at their children—and these are wounds caused by words. May the Lord have mercy on us; may love cover all faults. Let us follow what the Lord has taught us: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. If you inadvertently speak a word of criticism, you must then speak nine words of praise to cover it up. Scripture truly understands human nature. In addressing the many complex issues in marriage, do not rely solely on what psychologists say; true healing for your spouse comes not from a therapist but from hearing loving words from you. Once a harsh word is released, like an arrow, it cannot be taken back. One harsh word requires nine words of praise to cover its wound. Sometimes even that may not suffice, and she may carry the hurt for years—perhaps even lashing out at the children—and these are the wounds your words cause. May the Lord have mercy on us; may love cover all faults. Let us pray and be slow to speak and slow to anger so that our marriages can gradually be restored even in times of crisis.
Recently, reports have shown that more and more couples are divorcing within 10 years of marriage. Young people today marry when they please and divorce when they please. This behavior not only shows a lack of understanding of the value of marriage but also reflects a tendency to do as one pleases. When you speak impulsively out of anger, harsh words are uttered. Restraining one’s tongue is key to self-discipline. If I love my wife, I must respect her and speak kindly when she is upset. If I love my husband, when he is insecure, I must speak words that build him up. May the Lord bless you all!
Prayer:Lord, we thank You! Today You have taught us through Your Word regarding what we should do and say in marriage, so that we do not miss out on Your blessings. Lord, we understand, but we rely on You to make it possible—not just once, but as a lasting habit in our hearts, for all fruit comes from the heart. Please come and help us all, and through these messages, heal our marriages. We thank You, and we pray this in the victorious name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen!
This is a guest post from physbook team, and protected under CC BY-NC-SA 3.0 License. Unless otherwise stated in the comment text, without author(s) written permission, please specify: Reprinted from Physbook (RSS)/转自飛思播客 (RSS) with the article's link (Please do not change the Title. Remain the link same at least because we could make changes on the content in further updates otherwise you will be responsible to the mistake you spread to readers) OR Trackback in the comment "[...]quotes/引用[...]" with your article part and link FOR reproducing or using the whole or any part of the content.
📍🇸🇬May. 23, 2021 Complicated Matters in Marriage 婚姻的复杂问题 Rev. Vincent Chi San Choo 朱志山牧师主日信息 双语字幕
分享是主旋律，，工具类总结，tips and derivations that will make it easier for me to perform the various tasks im faced with. These notes cover a wide range such as data analysis utilities (details see my site tags).
this site is mainly used to help me clarify/sumarize/debug/backup/refactor/organize my thoughts,我的生产力解放，不用把更多的时间赔上，and capture my interests with time savingmay helpful to you
literally we turn to a grp blog and collaboration,,,,
on the other hand, i strongly suggest to subscribe inside a rss reader rather than refresh the website each time,,,alternatively, you can subscribe as podcast inside like itunes if you wanna download media contains
,,,
also the microblog site is a complement to our website.
- @Musibolun
For Commenters: To enter in LaTeX in comments, use $latex $ (without the < and > signs, of course; in fact, these signs should be avoided as they can cause formatting errors).
dropbox referral: complete the register and the tiny client installation, you and i will get 250M bonus
点这个链接并完成注册和超小客户端安装，你我都将获得额外250M网盘同步空间
sugarsync referral link:
due to our govts censorship caused sites managing consuming,, i'd like to merge the other blog into this one very soon
Also, all welcome followers/blogger linking on and writers/authors or whatever work on this site/article
Bill musiczhang
又回到了病毒式的宣传
syncplicity
国产的：
sina microblog vdiskDBank
kupan: http://kb.vc/kQp
k.wps: http://k.wps.cn/register/?invite=jb2b7r
Image by Musi_Zhang via Flickr
